floranna: (Default)
I don't know if I have mentioned this or have you all just guessed it, but I was bullied at school. From the grades 3 to 6.

It's still difficult time for me to talk about, and I still feel sick when I remember how I was back then.When I came to third grade, our classes were mixed up for the languages we had chosen to study. I chose German (english came to everyone at least on the fifth grade) so unfortunately I became separated from most of my friends. They went to class A, I to class B.

That wasn't the main deal, but my new teacher was a young woman who also was a person who certainlyfavored other students over others. I wasn't one of the favored ones, mainly because she found out that my dad wasn't a part of the church. (even if my mom is) The school wasn't technically very religious, but it did show up if you looked close enough.

Boys started to bully me then. Mainly because of my weight, (I had always been a bit chubby, but after bullying started I became fat) or my glasses. It was mostly physical and insults. (I can still here the Indian Fat-Ass echoing from a staircase) This I could have stand, if I would have had friends. I didn't. Girls from my class didn't play with me, nor wanted to spend time with me. I was all alone. On the breaks if I handed around them, they would say that I wasn't welcome or that they wanted to spend time with their friends, not me.

It was back then, when I was nine I first time wanted to kill myself. I remember standing behind a railing and thinking about jumping. I didn't, because I thought that little fall wouldn't kill me. After that, until this day thoughts of death have always been with me.

I have almost forgiven the other students for doing this to me. They were idiots, complete idiots who tried their best to crush me and destroyed my sense of selfworth and hope for the future. I have only now started to get it back. What they did to me was a great (*sarcasm*) starting point for my depression. But they were kids and I hope and pray they have wisened up now.

But the teacher...she I can't not yet anyways. She was an adult, I was a kid. She ignored my cries for help, she did nothing. There was an other boy who was bullied and what I have gathered, the bullying came up only after other boys pushed him through a glass door. Or something, I am not sure what happened. After that, the fact I was bullied too came up and principal took action. But my teacher...she still gave me the feeling that I wasn't good enough, favoured her favourite students and made my life a living hell. And after I went to jubior high school, she started teaching my sister's class. And she mistreated Kata too. That thought hurts me so much.

Why I am talking about this now is that I have finally taken contact to her. Sent an email where I ask if she was my teacher back then and asked for a meeting. She hasn't yet answered, but I hope she will. I want to meet her, face-to-face and ask her why. Now I am not a kid, now we can treat each other like adults. I want to know why.

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floranna

June 2017

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