=D

Aug. 9th, 2015 12:10 pm
floranna: (Default)
Okay, on one of my ff.net fanfics some dude came and said that they want to publish that fic in a collection. Weird as hell, because I KNOW that it needs editing like I need air, but I am not talented yet to do it without advice.


Well, I go to their profile, and they are VERY religious. I mean they say they believe, like Ted Nugent, that homosexuality is morally wrong. So, I get a bit pissed and add to my profile this: “I am cis!woman, so refer to me as she/her. I am also homoromantic bisexual, but I identify as lesbian. And proud of it!“ (Very true BTW)


SO now I get this: “My rules as a Christian is no GLBT content with **** ****** Press but there is a publisher who does allow it as this is owned by Tabetha Jones though. I looked at your profile and don’t want to compromise my beliefs some. I had published a writer who escaped from homosexuality and seen death threats from the militants.”


And get this, the fic has incest, suicide, pagan religion (Finnish paganism) but my homosexuality turns them off? I am not even hurt, this shit is hilarious!

Namibia!!!

Oct. 10th, 2014 07:24 pm
floranna: (Default)
I am going to Namibia tomorrow! It's with Finnish Library Association, as Finland, Namibia and Tanzania's libraries have a...whatyoucallit, collaboration, where Namibians and Tanzanians take example from Finnish libraries, to say it simply. It's named Libraries for Development. I am so exited! I was four and half when I was in Namibia last time, I am so excited to see if I remember any of the places. We are visiting at least seven libraries, and I requested donations from different publishers and bookshops to donate them. I got several, that many that my bags are full and there are still four plastic bags with books in them. Tomorrow on the airport we will try to fit them to other people's bags in our group...

It will be a long journey too as we will first fly to London, from there to Johannesburg and from there to Windhoek. I am basically going to spend over 24 hours in planes and airports... I'll get back from there on 22nd October.

Wheehee!

My thoughts are so jumbled, I don't know what to write...
floranna: (Default)
Hiya! (yeah reposting. Bear with me.)

I’ll be going to a trip in Namibia 11th of October, coming back 22nd. And I want to send cards from there. It doesn’t matter if you have never talked to me, if we don't know each other at all, or where you live. I just love to send cards!

You must send me you address as soon as possible though, because I can’t be sure when on the 11th I’ll be on my computer before I leave, or if I’ll have time to go to net that day at all. If you haven’t sent me your address before that time, well, I can do nothing.

So, in your post to me, put up your name and address, and a thing you know about Namibia. If you have no knowledge of Namibia, put something about Finland.

Please enjoy!
floranna: (Default)
Hiya!

I’ll be going to a trip in Namibia 11th of October, coming back 22nd. And I want to send cards from there. It doesn’t matter if you have never talked to me, if we don't know each other at all, or where you live. I just love to send cards!

You must send me you address as soon as possible though, because I can’t be sure when on the 11th I’ll be on my computer before I leave, or if I’ll have time to go to net that day at all. If you haven’t sent me your address before that time, well, I can do nothing. I will send you a message if I have received your address, though.

So, in your post to me, put up your name and address, and a thing you know about Namibia. If you have no knowledge of Namibia, put something about Finland.

Please enjoy!
floranna: (Default)
Please pray for my little sister. She dodn't come back home this night, her boyfriend called me worried, her friends don't know where she is as she left before them. Sobering centers were a dead end. Now we just must wait until morning to call the cops. Please, pray or send positive thoughts or fuck-not, I am really scared.

EDIT: She has been found safe! Thank fucking god.
floranna: (Default)
I mentioned some time ago that I have been acting in front of a camera. Well. ^^'

I was in a drama high school, and many of my classmates continued to a field where they are with media, or performers, etc. One of them is learning to become a...light expert? As in tv and movies, I can't remember the right word. She posted in Facebook that she and rather big group in her school are doing a school project and they would need extras. They already had the actors for speaking roles. The only problem was that the extras would have to be naked. I conidered this for awhile and when I was assured that there would be several extras naked, I agreed, as it would take only two days.

I went there, got the make up and the filth on me. The short film told how pigs had mutated to become, well, humans, and humans were their food but regular people didn't know that humans were sentient. In true Finnish fashion, there were outdoor filmings. In bloody february. The first day we were at the back of a van and walking to it, absolutely naked. It was actually quite fun. ^^ Except that my primary school classmate's father was there, as he is a cameraman and apparently teaches there too. It was bit awkward but later when we bumped to each other in may and my parents were there too he called me rather brave. ^^

The skin paint didn't really get off, so I decided to scrub only my face and hands as next day I would get a new coat of it anyways.

Next day we were in a basement where the air was honestly quite awful and made me feel like I was always about to sneeze. At the end of the day we went to sauna, mixed oviously and tried to scrub the paint and powder and whatever off. In the end I decided to screw it and let it get off naturally, and it took about two weeks to completely be off. =D

I saw the short film and it was actually, honestly quite good. I wish I could get a DVD from it, I would like to look and review my own acting in it.

But in the end it was rather body-positive experience and I loved it. I didn't feel ashamed or embarassed, and I got to see a quite a lot of dicks. Whish isn't that fun when they are on middle-aged and older men. There was a one man who flirted with me, but he was old enough to be my father and he backed off when I said that it was not appreciated. He was also occasionally bit too close to me, but he didn't give me anxiety or uneasy feelings, unlike some. (check my last post if I have friended you)

Granny.

Jan. 1st, 2013 01:58 am
floranna: (Default)
Granny died last night. 30th December 2012, around 10 pm. So.

I might be a wreck, I don't know. I can't make myself think about how she is really gone for forever now. We went to see her (me and my sis, mum and lilbro had come there day earlier) on saturday and she really couldnn't speak, nor did she recognize us I think. She did hold our hands and was restless.

I had to escape during the visit to go to bathroom and I told mum I wouldn't come there anymore, seeing mumma like that hurt too much and I had said my goodbye when she was a bit more coherent. SHe said okay. ANd day later mumma is gone forever.

It took her less than week to deteoriate and die. And I kept praying that she wouldn't suffer and what I hae heard it was very peaceful. They didn't transfer to a hospital, it would have been cruel when doctors or nurses wouldn't have been able to do a thing. Now she got to be in her room where she had lived over three years, surrounded with her own stuff and the great people who work there.

She is one of my greatest heroes. Was. She never did anything 'spectcular'. SHe lived and worked and thrived. She helped her mum and siblings when her father moved to America and left his wife and kids in Finland (it was practically a divorce back then) even if she was the second youngest. SHe worked during the Winter ad Continuation war, was a Lotta, (the kiddie version) got a medal for working so hard in wartime when men were on the front, married, had one daughter and several more 'unofficial' children that she and grandpa raised. They were together atleast 59 years, I am not sure when they got married.

She and grandpa had practically given up on the thought of having grandchildren, so when my mum told her she was pregnant to a man mumma hadn't yet seen at the age of 35, she said: "I had been thinking that I don't have any reason to stay anymore on this world and could die away, but not anymore!" SHe loved all three of us so much (Mum got us when she was 36, 38 and 40. I am the eldest.) and we have never doubted that. SHe kitted so many things and I still have some of her great woollen socks.

I love her so much. She would have been 89 at May 31st. I wish they'll let me carry her casket. They let me carry grandpa's. (From my father's side.)

I only have one grandpa left now.
floranna: (Default)
No, seriously, I just had a near full-out freakout when I realized that one of my internet friends hasn't updated her journal nor her twitter in over a year, started asking her friends and people in the twitter if they have heard from her, sure that something terrible has happenend.

She has just been busy with rl, so my heart actually eased a bit from it's panicking.

Now I am feeling spectacularly silly and foolish and want push my head in to a bush like a bunny.

But I am so relieved that nothing has happened to her it's ridiculous.

Oh, and I've gotten a job. =DD I am in the Finland's postal office's logistics center where I sort post packages. I am on an evening shift, so I go to work at 4 pm and leave 10 pm, and arrive at home around 11.30 pm. The funny thing is that I am usually terrible at staying up late, but now it's 0.30 in the night and I am completely awake. Even when I was doing nothing and unemployed I never stayed up this late or slept to 10-11 am. I find it funny.

And I seriously like my job. I love sorting through stuff, looking what kind of packages people get (I don't look the names really, only a bit where they come from and where they go). I also saw a package that came from Pakistan! That was a bright spot on my day.

Now that I am working my eating rythm has gotten magnificiently better and I have lost 3-4 kilos in two weeks. I have one of those step calculators and everyday I break 10 000 steps without even trying. I am getting more fit and feel way much better.

It's only until christmas but there is a possibility that I may get to come back on spring. And next september I'll continue my studying and I feel actually positive that I'll be able to do that.

I actually like my life now, how weird is that? It is to me! =DD
floranna: (Default)
I went today to dentist. There was a cavity on my upper left wisdom tooth and I had decided to take the whole tooth off, because my toothbrush was hard to reach that tooth. First time they asked if that tooth should be just...mended? Patched up? What the fuck is right word? And I pussied out and said yes to that instead of removing it. Few days later I called back and asked to change it to be removed, as I grew some actual balls. They changed it and everything was okay.

Except today. They started to remove it but it was stuck far more than they thought. They worked on it for half an hour, and they had to put local anesthetic to it about three times i the middle of it because it started to hurt.

They finally did get it out and gave the teeth to me. They said that it's just a small cavity but to me it looked enormous. And my tooth is funny shaped and has something white potruding out of it.

Anesthetic is now gone and it's hurting like motherfucker. I have taken pain meds that have given me an ability to do something else than holding my cheek and whimper but it still hurts.

Ad three nights ago one of my bed feet (?) said poks at 2.30 am. I nearly fell of the bed. Guest room was taken so I went to the couch where confused cats and parents poked me awake to wonder why the hell am I there.

I slept last two nights in guest bed but it's completely different than my any previous beds and I sleep badly on it. I wantmy bed back. ANd the pain gone. ATleast before I go to sleep.
floranna: (Default)
I have been quiet for awhile, but that was because I went to Lapland to our cottage with my mum (had fun) and then went to Ilmajoki to my grandpa. (had OK time. No meltdowns or depression followed me from there, yay!)

Now? Well, my ear started hurting at my grandpa. I was sleeping in an outdoor building (there is a bed) because it's a bit cooler than the main building and I could sleep properly because grandpa wakes around 5 am, eats, and then goes back to bed for couple of hours. If i had stayed in the main building, I would have had to sleep in the living room because the guest bed is too short to me and I would've woken up.

I slept in the OB like a baby, but after the first night my ear started hurting. Nothing too bad, will pass away on it's own, I thought.

NO. Now, about five nights later, the pain is so big that I wake up at 4 am and cannot sleep BECAUSE IT HURTS SO MUCH. So now, I need some pettings. And someone to spend time with until my dad wakes up so I can bully him the money for medicine or the hospital phoneline opens so I can reserve a time from there to myself. Whichever comes first.

I am tired, in pain and so fucking tired.
floranna: (Default)
I ahve taken part to a competition where you can win to become a XL model to a certain clothing store. I know I have snowball's change in hell winning it, but... It would be nice to feel beautiful. Or that other people would find me beautiful.

Please click the dragons too.
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!

Finncon!

Jul. 23rd, 2012 09:13 pm
floranna: (Default)
I arrived from Finncon around midnight last night. I had an absolute blast! I got this hideous mask that covers the lower part of my face, and it's cool. It's a lower part of the skull. I bought books, sold them pretty nicely but now me and my dad must figure out how much money each of us will get because he gave me some books to sell and now neither of us can tell how much of the money belongs to other...

I am still feeling a bit afsgdighsggwha? but much more human now. I love Finncon!

Here is me with the mask:
otsikko tai kuvaus

The goggles aren't mine, but there was this guy who was making a series of photos were people were wearing those goggles and I got to be there. I think it's pretty good...

And click the dragons please. ^^
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!

Fiincon!

Jul. 19th, 2012 05:38 pm
floranna: (Default)
Tomorrow starts Finncon, which is a fantasy and scifi convention where I have been for several years, and last four years I have worked as a gopher there. I'll be in the book flea market stand selling books, which I requested and love doing. I am also selling seven plastic bags full of books and DVDs, but two of those bags are what my dad wants to sell and five left are mine. I am hoping to get some money...

I can hardly wait! I am so excited...

Click my dragons, please!

Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
floranna: (Default)
I know I have been quiet for awhile, but things have been happening. I don't think I have told you, but at the spring 2010 when I graduated from high school, I went to a two-year study (?) in another school, where I would graduate to become a librarian. I stumbled badly at the first year, left almost half of the courses unfinished and had to basically repeat the first year.

Second year was no better, and in the end (this spring) I came to that conclusion that it would be best for me to take the next year off from studying, find a job or something, finish the therapy and get better.

Right now I am feeling pretty down. I didn't get a summer job, and my eating is fucked. The clerk in the employment office called me a marginalized young (it sounded worse in Finnish, I think...) and I am not sure if my status is still a student, if it is, I can't get certain services I wat and need and have to basically spend the year doing nothing which is absolutely the last thing I want.

And I can't go to NYCC because I didn't get a summer job.


Please click my dragon eggs. I need something to brighten my day.

Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
floranna: (Default)
I had a very interesting conversation with my therapist today. It was something I had known, but never truly understood.

First of all, I am getting better. I recognize my emotions, I am far more confident, I actually have some self-worth and I plan for the future for real. This is a very new thing to me and feels weird as fuck.

It's also that I actually feel more than usual. I feel rage, anger, sadness and joy far more tha before. It's not like my emotions are being dampened like for example year ago, but I can actually feel them, show them and deal with them. I don't feel empty anymore.

There is also the fact that before I actively put down the feelings I thought were bad, like anger and rage.I didn't show them outside. Nowadays I show if I am furious, but still won't hurt anyone. I have accepted that it's okay for me to feel like this, and it doesn't make me a bad person if I am furious at someone.

But there is also this one little thing. At the worst of my depression, I was terrified that I would lose my capablity to feel joy. So I made sure that everytime I watched, read or heard something funny, I would laugh fully and naturally. My family hated it when we watched tv together and I would do some really annoying laughing noices, but I never could tell them that I was deathly afraid that if I didn't show it, if I controlled it at all, I would lose my whole capablity to feel joy. For this reason, if I read for example sad fic that made me cry, I felt relieved. I still had my emotions.

Secondly, as some of you know, I adore Vathara's AtLA fic Embers. Some of you hate it, but I have read it over and over again. I have read it atleast four time wholly. And it's not even finished, jeezus.

But her characterization of Katara frightens the fuck out of me. Why? Read it: "It's all about you, isn't it?" Zuko hissed. Ignoring reactions of shock and fear and threatened violence; all that mattered was the waterbender, and the flames that were not burning her. Yet. "Forget the Avatar. Forget your tribe. This is all you, and your pain. You lost your mother. And it ripped a hole in you so wide and deep and dark... you're hanging on by your fingernails, and what's down there is so awful, so much hate, that it can't ever be you. So it's somebody else's fault. It's somebody else's monster. And you hate it. It's not fair. It's not you. And you'll make the whole world pay for putting that monster inside you. You'll make it all bleed. Make it all burn."

This? I recognize myself in her, in her pain. If I would loose someone like she did, I don't think I could ever stop the hating them. As in people, race or religious group. Not as a that person. Thank God I haven't.

God, I would love to be the forgiving type, and I usually am. But I have never been hurt this badly. And I know I have rage in me. Rage that tightens in my chest, that makes me yearn for blood, to hurt. I see it, when the world acts unfairly to someone and people refuse to acknowledge it. When rape culture rears it's ugly head. When Israeli treat people from Palestine like crap and refuse to give them basic need to survive and live. When I have to hear politician of my own country tells me that I am disgusting and I hurt his/her delicate sensibilities by wanting to marry and have a family with a woman.

I get so furious that I can hardly see.

That's why I have such a complicate feelings with Katara. I see myself in her so much, and that the darkness in her is like looking in the mirror. I adore her because she is a strong female character, but I can't allow myself to get close to her, because she terrifies me. She makes me terrified of myself and what I could do when pushed.

This rant has been in me for a very long time, and now it's finally out.
floranna: (hurt)
The teacher I talked on my last entry? Well, I found out her phone number on sunday, called her and she answered. She couldn't talk much, but I managed to make her promise that I could call sometime next week. Well, now she answered and said that right now she is too busy in her life to meet me. We talked a little, I said what I am studying and that's it. We ended the call and I won't call her anymore.

She wouldn't meet me, coward, but I still feel like a winner. She couldn't meet ME, I could meet HER. I am stronger than her. I am a grown-up now. I feel so goddamn good. She couldn't face me, I could face her.

I feel awesome. A bit disappointed on her, but very much awesome. I feel strong enough to face the world, I am stronger than her.

You know, the most I was afraid was that she would just ignore my calls, but she answered and said she didn't have time to meet me. Now I am completely sure about her.

You can all try to hold me down but you cannot stop me from rising again.

I feel so awesome.
floranna: (Default)
I watched yesterday CSI NY with my parents. Nothing new now special about this, but there was this one guy who killed himself by taking overdose with his anti-depressedants.

That made me feel seriously uncomfortable and I was happy that the show ended after that so I could go to my room and sleep. Exactly year ago I tried to kill myself by taking overdose on all the meds I found in our family's medicine shelf. And my own anti-depressedants too. A year. I am feeling generally better, but the thought of entrance exams and the fact that I would really like to have a job which is impossible to get when you don't have much work experience has left me stressed and high-strung.

I am supposed to do billion things, pass few tests so I can work as a waitress (for example hygenia test and the test which allows me to serve alcohol to other people) I have already failed both of them once. Avatar_bigbang I haven't even started.

May is going to fucking wonderful...

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