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Sep. 28th, 2010 08:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
florannaI have talked a lot about my depression. And now, surprise, surprise! I am talking more of it.
I have been depressed more than half of my life. Considering I am 19, that isn't a nice thought at all. I thought about killing myself first time when I was nine. I was standing behind the railing in our school and thought about jumping.
The point is, I don't remember a time when I have been 'normal'. Non-depressed. Non-suicidical. Now with the therapy I am getting better and it's almost scary. Oh scratch that, I am fucking terrified. In our school we had few weeks ago the thing where you wrote your name on the paper and people wrote good things about you. What my classmates said about me? That I am honest. That I have great sense of humor and that I am funny and positive person.
I was flabbergasted. Before, I have always been the silent nice girl, who doesn't talk much. But now? I am the joker of the class. In a good way, even. After that I was really scared that I have been only having a mask for this whole time, that I am truly a pessimistic, serious and realistic person and my mask will crumble soon and they will leave me. But...what if I am that positive person, truly? And depression has just only taken it away, hidden it away from me?
Few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell anything about myself. About my personality or anything. Therapy has brought some reality to that, even if I still take part in all those memes where you say things about me. ^^ It's about figuring out who I am.
I have been depressed for so long that I don't know myself anymore. I am finding more about myself every week and it's exhilirating.
I am also scared that now when I know about what it feels to be better, and if I get depression second time, I won't be able to stand it. But I also feel that I'll be strong enough to stand through it too. Talk about opposite thoughts...
I don't remember a time when I have been this hopeful.
I have been depressed more than half of my life. Considering I am 19, that isn't a nice thought at all. I thought about killing myself first time when I was nine. I was standing behind the railing in our school and thought about jumping.
The point is, I don't remember a time when I have been 'normal'. Non-depressed. Non-suicidical. Now with the therapy I am getting better and it's almost scary. Oh scratch that, I am fucking terrified. In our school we had few weeks ago the thing where you wrote your name on the paper and people wrote good things about you. What my classmates said about me? That I am honest. That I have great sense of humor and that I am funny and positive person.
I was flabbergasted. Before, I have always been the silent nice girl, who doesn't talk much. But now? I am the joker of the class. In a good way, even. After that I was really scared that I have been only having a mask for this whole time, that I am truly a pessimistic, serious and realistic person and my mask will crumble soon and they will leave me. But...what if I am that positive person, truly? And depression has just only taken it away, hidden it away from me?
Few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell anything about myself. About my personality or anything. Therapy has brought some reality to that, even if I still take part in all those memes where you say things about me. ^^ It's about figuring out who I am.
I have been depressed for so long that I don't know myself anymore. I am finding more about myself every week and it's exhilirating.
I am also scared that now when I know about what it feels to be better, and if I get depression second time, I won't be able to stand it. But I also feel that I'll be strong enough to stand through it too. Talk about opposite thoughts...
I don't remember a time when I have been this hopeful.
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Date: 2010-09-28 06:03 pm (UTC)This sounds amazing. You sound amazing. I'm sure the more you learn about yourself and your life, the more you'll love who you are. Keep on getting better! *hugs*
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Date: 2010-09-28 06:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-28 06:20 pm (UTC)I'm so happy for you! Smile at the world! :D
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Date: 2010-09-29 05:56 pm (UTC)I kinda know what you mean. I've just come off med after 5 years (although with gaps it's closer to 10) and I've noticed that I am so EMOTIONAL but it's not bad, it's just the way I am, the real me. Now I just have to get over my fear of letting other people see the real me.
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Date: 2010-09-29 06:26 pm (UTC)BTW, how did you find my journal? I am always curious when a new person pops up...
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Date: 2010-09-29 08:14 pm (UTC)I hope it's ok for me to comment here? If you'd rather I didn't just let me know.
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Date: 2010-09-30 03:54 am (UTC)