floranna: (Default)
First of all: Thank you all for yuour kind words. I am feeling a lot better now. Even if I managed to make a fool of myself again. Xb

Tomorrow is the entrance exam and it's in Tampere, which is about 200 kms north from Helsinki, where I live. I am nervous and excited, but I know there is no way I'll get in with this reading, but that's not important. I have long ago chosen to take next year off from studying, because I still have therapy here in Helsinki and arranging that when studying in Tampere would be just too difficult. This time I'll just go to check out what kind of a test it is so next year when I try to get in seriously I have some kind of an idea how to prepare to it.

There is just this one thing which makes me go always a bit weird. Can you imagine how hard is to explain fanfiction and fandom to your theraphist? We have talked about it very much because it's such a important thing to me and big part of my life. When I talk about it to her I always think if I should crack up laughing or not...

Talking about my bigbang fic is even more...weird. When I explained how that in my story a character loses his hearing, she asked if I am going to get him healed. I started talking about how people just assume that if you are disabled (deaf, blind, etc..) people just seem to assume that you cannot have a full and happy life if you don't 'heal' about it. After my outburst she smiled and that's right and talked about how people can overcame odds to heal mentally.

I have talked about Zuko a lot in there, because AtLA fandom is my ultimate favourite fandom and he is my ultimate favourite character, and why I like him so much. Because he doesn't give up. I like to throw so really shitty and awful stuff on my favourite characters, and then get them rise again, spit their tormentors to their faces and say: "Screw you, I am stronger now and you cannot hold me down!" That feeling is something I want to have, and Zuko is very ultimate definition of that. I hate people who run away from every little problem. I hate it when I do that. That's also the main reason I had (and have) so big problems with liking Aang.

But honestly? I am feeling so much better in general. I haven't wanted to kill myself in months! Before I always started imagining how I would kill myself (cutting my stomach, jumping in front of the subway and shooting my brains out) everytime I felt stressed or panicked, now those feelings aren't so...dark and, well, deep anymore. I still get those anxiety attacks, but they aren't even half that bad as in the time of my exams or last autumn. That time was scary and I truly think that only my acting project and the activity of AtLA fandom kept me alive. Those memes gave me so much joy and because there was so many of them... Of course the fact that I had made a promise to my mum to not to kill myself after the last time (It happened one year, one month and one day ago. huh.) kept me form completely giving up.

I also read those answers to my suicide note in this LJ over and over again when trying to remember to not to do it. Thank you again you all who wrote there, those answers have given me strength over and over again during this year. Thank you.
floranna: (Default)
It has been 7 months. Feels weird to think it like that. It feels in the same time like it was ages ago and that it happened just now.

I don't know what I really want to say, but I need to talk about this. It has been building up and I need to let it out now.

So, seven months ago I took every medicine I found in our med closet where read that 'if you overdose, call the doctor' and ate them in school's toilet. There were sturdy walls and it would be last place people would start looking for me. My dad had hidden his blood pressure meds way before so I didn't found them, so those meds weren't that serious. I think.

At morning I said bye, have a nice day, to my family and because they left earlier I staied home, wrote the entry and left to school. There I went to toilet, ate all the pills and drank water from the bottle which I had brought with me. I was there about 30 minutes, only eating the meds. I also send to every relative and friend a text message where read: "Please forgive me" and put the voice off. People started calling me and sending text messages soon after that, but I went to class (it was finnish) where we were supposed to write an essee. I was late from that class, I remember that. I was also nervous as hell and I couldn't concentrate enough to write, so I wrote how I wanted myself to be buried.

After awhile I was so nervous and scared that I had to ask my teacher if I could go to see school nurse. She asked why, and I tried as distreectly as I could open my bag and show the empty pill containers and whispered that I had taken all of them and I had to go.

She took me to nurse's office, my homeroom teacher came soon after and they called ambulance. I remember being sleepy. Pasramedics came and gave something black to drink which felt like there was sand in it. I vomited.

They took me to hospital where my mum, dad and sister were and kept me there for about 8 hours and sent me home after few tests. And they agreed to that only because my mum is a nurse and she said I would be sleeping next to her.

When I got home, my little brother didn't even try to start arguing when I said I would like to watch CSI NY. There was going some of his favourite shows and before we always started arguing. I still remember how surprised I was when he only said okay and was so damn agreeable.

I slept at my parents bed with my mum (dad slept in my bed) and I didn't go to school for few days and mum took few days off so that I wouldn't be alone.

And nowadays, well, they have tripled the amount of meds I take. It seems the amount of meds I took regularly back then was the starting amount, and it was supposed to change gradually but the my birthday came and I became a legal adult. I was changed to adult part of...thatwhateverdon'thaveadictionary, but sent back, I always had different doctors and most of them I only saw once before they left and no-one knew I was taking so low amount for over a half year.

And I still want to thank everyone who commented that entry or otherwise informed LJ. It means lot to me.

My metabolism was screwed up days after. I.e., I couldn't shit. Hurt like hell and made me bitchy.

And I have eaten all of the chocolate already.

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