floranna

First of all: Thank you all for yuour kind words. I am feeling a lot better now. Even if I managed to make a fool of myself again. Xb

Tomorrow is the entrance exam and it's in Tampere, which is about 200 kms north from Helsinki, where I live. I am nervous and excited, but I know there is no way I'll get in with this reading, but that's not important. I have long ago chosen to take next year off from studying, because I still have therapy here in Helsinki and arranging that when studying in Tampere would be just too difficult. This time I'll just go to check out what kind of a test it is so next year when I try to get in seriously I have some kind of an idea how to prepare to it.

There is just this one thing which makes me go always a bit weird. Can you imagine how hard is to explain fanfiction and fandom to your theraphist? We have talked about it very much because it's such a important thing to me and big part of my life. When I talk about it to her I always think if I should crack up laughing or not...

Talking about my bigbang fic is even more...weird. When I explained how that in my story a character loses his hearing, she asked if I am going to get him healed. I started talking about how people just assume that if you are disabled (deaf, blind, etc..) people just seem to assume that you cannot have a full and happy life if you don't 'heal' about it. After my outburst she smiled and that's right and talked about how people can overcame odds to heal mentally.

I have talked about Zuko a lot in there, because AtLA fandom is my ultimate favourite fandom and he is my ultimate favourite character, and why I like him so much. Because he doesn't give up. I like to throw so really shitty and awful stuff on my favourite characters, and then get them rise again, spit their tormentors to their faces and say: "Screw you, I am stronger now and you cannot hold me down!" That feeling is something I want to have, and Zuko is very ultimate definition of that. I hate people who run away from every little problem. I hate it when I do that. That's also the main reason I had (and have) so big problems with liking Aang.

But honestly? I am feeling so much better in general. I haven't wanted to kill myself in months! Before I always started imagining how I would kill myself (cutting my stomach, jumping in front of the subway and shooting my brains out) everytime I felt stressed or panicked, now those feelings aren't so...dark and, well, deep anymore. I still get those anxiety attacks, but they aren't even half that bad as in the time of my exams or last autumn. That time was scary and I truly think that only my acting project and the activity of AtLA fandom kept me alive. Those memes gave me so much joy and because there was so many of them... Of course the fact that I had made a promise to my mum to not to kill myself after the last time (It happened one year, one month and one day ago. huh.) kept me form completely giving up.

I also read those answers to my suicide note in this LJ over and over again when trying to remember to not to do it. Thank you again you all who wrote there, those answers have given me strength over and over again during this year. Thank you.