floranna | Entries tagged with depression

I know I have been quiet for awhile, but things have been happening. I don't think I have told you, but at the spring 2010 when I graduated from high school, I went to a two-year study (?) in another school, where I would graduate to become a librarian. I stumbled badly at the first year, left almost half of the courses unfinished and had to basically repeat the first year.

Second year was no better, and in the end (this spring) I came to that conclusion that it would be best for me to take the next year off from studying, find a job or something, finish the therapy and get better.

Right now I am feeling pretty down. I didn't get a summer job, and my eating is fucked. The clerk in the employment office called me a marginalized young (it sounded worse in Finnish, I think...) and I am not sure if my status is still a student, if it is, I can't get certain services I wat and need and have to basically spend the year doing nothing which is absolutely the last thing I want.

And I can't go to NYCC because I didn't get a summer job.

Please click my dragon eggs. I need something to brighten my day.

I had a very interesting conversation with my therapist today. It was something I had known, but never truly understood.

First of all, I am getting better. I recognize my emotions, I am far more confident, I actually have some self-worth and I plan for the future for real. This is a very new thing to me and feels weird as fuck.

It's also that I actually feel more than usual. I feel rage, anger, sadness and joy far more tha before. It's not like my emotions are being dampened like for example year ago, but I can actually feel them, show them and deal with them. I don't feel empty anymore.

There is also the fact that before I actively put down the feelings I thought were bad, like anger and rage.I didn't show them outside. Nowadays I show if I am furious, but still won't hurt anyone. I have accepted that it's okay for me to feel like this, and it doesn't make me a bad person if I am furious at someone.

But there is also this one little thing. At the worst of my depression, I was terrified that I would lose my capablity to feel joy. So I made sure that everytime I watched, read or heard something funny, I would laugh fully and naturally. My family hated it when we watched tv together and I would do some really annoying laughing noices, but I never could tell them that I was deathly afraid that if I didn't show it, if I controlled it at all, I would lose my whole capablity to feel joy. For this reason, if I read for example sad fic that made me cry, I felt relieved. I still had my emotions.

Secondly, as some of you know, I adore Vathara's AtLA fic Embers. Some of you hate it, but I have read it over and over again. I have read it atleast four time wholly. And it's not even finished, jeezus.

But her characterization of Katara frightens the fuck out of me. Why? Read it: "It's all about you, isn't it?" Zuko hissed. Ignoring reactions of shock and fear and threatened violence; all that mattered was the waterbender, and the flames that were not burning her. Yet. "Forget the Avatar. Forget your tribe. This is all you, and your pain. You lost your mother. And it ripped a hole in you so wide and deep and dark... you're hanging on by your fingernails, and what's down there is so awful, so much hate, that it can't ever be you. So it's somebody else's fault. It's somebody else's monster. And you hate it. It's not fair. It's not you. And you'll make the whole world pay for putting that monster inside you. You'll make it all bleed. Make it all burn."

This? I recognize myself in her, in her pain. If I would loose someone like she did, I don't think I could ever stop the hating them. As in people, race or religious group. Not as a that person. Thank God I haven't.

God, I would love to be the forgiving type, and I usually am. But I have never been hurt this badly. And I know I have rage in me. Rage that tightens in my chest, that makes me yearn for blood, to hurt. I see it, when the world acts unfairly to someone and people refuse to acknowledge it. When rape culture rears it's ugly head. When Israeli treat people from Palestine like crap and refuse to give them basic need to survive and live. When I have to hear politician of my own country tells me that I am disgusting and I hurt his/her delicate sensibilities by wanting to marry and have a family with a woman.

I get so furious that I can hardly see.

That's why I have such a complicate feelings with Katara. I see myself in her so much, and that the darkness in her is like looking in the mirror. I adore her because she is a strong female character, but I can't allow myself to get close to her, because she terrifies me. She makes me terrified of myself and what I could do when pushed.

This rant has been in me for a very long time, and now it's finally out.

I have to make a real update right now what has been happening to me. I have posted few entries now in two-three weeks, but honestly saying, there isn't much of news in there.

I have been feeling better. I truly am. Unfortunately it's one of those 'One step forward, two steps back', situations. My depression has been easing now that I have been in therapy over a year. But before when my depression was worse, I never truly thought about my looks or eating. Not at all. I closed those things away from my mind to reserve some of my sanity. Now when the depression has eased, my attention has been taken by those two matters. My binge eating got completely out of control, I rapidly gained weight, I started hating even more of my looks and weight and obsess over those things. And to somehow make myself feel better, there would be a day I ate only once, and the next day I would be bingeing. I talked to my doctor about this and he arranged me to a certain...course meant for binge-eaters. Doctor meeting there, meeting other binge-eaters and couple of lessons to go. It's in february and I am kinda excited about it.

This has made my ability to concentrate...impossible. I forget dozens of things, I spend hours doing nothing because I can't muster enough energy to start, I feel like I am stuck and so goddamn tired all the time. I know there are several drabbles I have completely forgotten to review...Don't even start to talk about school things. And I have meant to do this entry for over a week. Hopefully the fact that I did it ow would mean that things are getting a bit easier...

Doctor also gave me a new med to use at evenings called Ketipinor, not taken regularly, small amount and only when necessary. I just took one now for the first time. I hope there aren't any side-effects...

I have talked a lot about my depression. And now, surprise, surprise! I am talking more of it.

I have been depressed more than half of my life. Considering I am 19, that isn't a nice thought at all. I thought about killing myself first time when I was nine. I was standing behind the railing in our school and thought about jumping.

The point is, I don't remember a time when I have been 'normal'. Non-depressed. Non-suicidical. Now with the therapy I am getting better and it's almost scary. Oh scratch that, I am fucking terrified. In our school we had few weeks ago the thing where you wrote your name on the paper and people wrote good things about you. What my classmates said about me? That I am honest. That I have great sense of humor and that I am funny and positive person.

I was flabbergasted. Before, I have always been the silent nice girl, who doesn't talk much. But now? I am the joker of the class. In a good way, even. After that I was really scared that I have been only having a mask for this whole time, that I am truly a pessimistic, serious and realistic person and my mask will crumble soon and they will leave me. But...what if I am that positive person, truly? And depression has just only taken it away, hidden it away from me?

Few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell anything about myself. About my personality or anything. Therapy has brought some reality to that, even if I still take part in all those memes where you say things about me. ^^ It's about figuring out who I am.

I have been depressed for so long that I don't know myself anymore. I am finding more about myself every week and it's exhilirating.

I am also scared that now when I know about what it feels to be better, and if I get depression second time, I won't be able to stand it. But I also feel that I'll be strong enough to stand through it too. Talk about opposite thoughts...

I don't remember a time when I have been this hopeful.

You know, when you have followed some person here in LJ and suddenly, out of blue, that person friends you back lightens your mind hellishly lot. Makes me feel special and dunno, like yoiu are stepping out of the LJs faceless mass. And when in memes people remember your specific favourite parings and some things you have mentioned in passing...it is really big thing to me. Thank you.

This meme interests me a lot. Because if there is something I am horrible at, it's guessing what other people think of me. Or more vaguely, what I am like. I always hate it when I have to describe myself so if you can spend some time doing this I would be honestly grateful.

THE HONESTY MEME

Had for the long time again an anxiety attack for the thought that my teraphy isn't going forward but standing still. That I'll be after few years still in the same shape as now. I want to heal so badly that the other option terrifies the shit out of me. I don't want to feel like this forever.

The fucking stupid part about depression is that it is an emotional rollercoaster when the highest point is that you feel normal again.

At 2008 autumn, I felt good. I mean, truly good. I felt normal. The world was abit lighter, it was easier to smile and laugh and I felt so damn hopeful. And after that the shit hit the fan from different directions, but I try to nowadays remember the feeling I felt then. I was os damn normal, happy, laughing and felt that I could survive this.

I truly hope that I can be that again. Because nothing scares me that much than the thought being like this rest of my life.

It has been 7 months. Feels weird to think it like that. It feels in the same time like it was ages ago and that it happened just now.

I don't know what I really want to say, but I need to talk about this. It has been building up and I need to let it out now.

So, seven months ago I took every medicine I found in our med closet where read that 'if you overdose, call the doctor' and ate them in school's toilet. There were sturdy walls and it would be last place people would start looking for me. My dad had hidden his blood pressure meds way before so I didn't found them, so those meds weren't that serious. I think.

At morning I said bye, have a nice day, to my family and because they left earlier I staied home, wrote the entry and left to school. There I went to toilet, ate all the pills and drank water from the bottle which I had brought with me. I was there about 30 minutes, only eating the meds. I also send to every relative and friend a text message where read: "Please forgive me" and put the voice off. People started calling me and sending text messages soon after that, but I went to class (it was finnish) where we were supposed to write an essee. I was late from that class, I remember that. I was also nervous as hell and I couldn't concentrate enough to write, so I wrote how I wanted myself to be buried.

After awhile I was so nervous and scared that I had to ask my teacher if I could go to see school nurse. She asked why, and I tried as distreectly as I could open my bag and show the empty pill containers and whispered that I had taken all of them and I had to go.

She took me to nurse's office, my homeroom teacher came soon after and they called ambulance. I remember being sleepy. Pasramedics came and gave something black to drink which felt like there was sand in it. I vomited.

They took me to hospital where my mum, dad and sister were and kept me there for about 8 hours and sent me home after few tests. And they agreed to that only because my mum is a nurse and she said I would be sleeping next to her.

When I got home, my little brother didn't even try to start arguing when I said I would like to watch CSI NY. There was going some of his favourite shows and before we always started arguing. I still remember how surprised I was when he only said okay and was so damn agreeable.

I slept at my parents bed with my mum (dad slept in my bed) and I didn't go to school for few days and mum took few days off so that I wouldn't be alone.

And nowadays, well, they have tripled the amount of meds I take. It seems the amount of meds I took regularly back then was the starting amount, and it was supposed to change gradually but the my birthday came and I became a legal adult. I was changed to adult part of...thatwhateverdon'thaveadictionary, but sent back, I always had different doctors and most of them I only saw once before they left and no-one knew I was taking so low amount for over a half year.

And I still want to thank everyone who commented that entry or otherwise informed LJ. It means lot to me.

My metabolism was screwed up days after. I.e., I couldn't shit. Hurt like hell and made me bitchy.

And I have eaten all of the chocolate already.

I have had my summer holiday for almost three weeks. But is it normal to hate it already? It seems like I am right now only waiting for the school to start. I hate the weather, the thing I have nothing to do every day, the fact that when I have, I have to go to somewhere pretty far and cannot stay in home. The time just before holiday was so...tough, that I didn't have time to get excited about holiday. And now, everything is just so bloody bleak.

Everything is so grey and I really cannot find any joy about anything. I hate depression. Doctor doubled the amount of meds I am allowed to take but it hasn't helped. And it doesn't help at all that I feel sick when I have to swallow pills. I hate going to medicine cabinet even if I only have to take pain meds for headache, because only thing I can think of then is how it felt to swallow them in school's toilet, terrified and waiting to die.

I wish school would start. I wish I couls be happy, enjoy about things I loved in past. I wish I could enjoy reading fanfiction, or watching tv.