floranna | Entries tagged with rl

I arrived from Finncon around midnight last night. I had an absolute blast! I got this hideous mask that covers the lower part of my face, and it's cool. It's a lower part of the skull. I bought books, sold them pretty nicely but now me and my dad must figure out how much money each of us will get because he gave me some books to sell and now neither of us can tell how much of the money belongs to other...

I am still feeling a bit afsgdighsggwha? but much more human now. I love Finncon!

Here is me with the mask:
otsikko tai kuvaus

The goggles aren't mine, but there was this guy who was making a series of photos were people were wearing those goggles and I got to be there. I think it's pretty good...

And click the dragons please. ^^

I know I have been quiet for awhile, but things have been happening. I don't think I have told you, but at the spring 2010 when I graduated from high school, I went to a two-year study (?) in another school, where I would graduate to become a librarian. I stumbled badly at the first year, left almost half of the courses unfinished and had to basically repeat the first year.

Second year was no better, and in the end (this spring) I came to that conclusion that it would be best for me to take the next year off from studying, find a job or something, finish the therapy and get better.

Right now I am feeling pretty down. I didn't get a summer job, and my eating is fucked. The clerk in the employment office called me a marginalized young (it sounded worse in Finnish, I think...) and I am not sure if my status is still a student, if it is, I can't get certain services I wat and need and have to basically spend the year doing nothing which is absolutely the last thing I want.

And I can't go to NYCC because I didn't get a summer job.

Please click my dragon eggs. I need something to brighten my day.

I had a very interesting conversation with my therapist today. It was something I had known, but never truly understood.

First of all, I am getting better. I recognize my emotions, I am far more confident, I actually have some self-worth and I plan for the future for real. This is a very new thing to me and feels weird as fuck.

It's also that I actually feel more than usual. I feel rage, anger, sadness and joy far more tha before. It's not like my emotions are being dampened like for example year ago, but I can actually feel them, show them and deal with them. I don't feel empty anymore.

There is also the fact that before I actively put down the feelings I thought were bad, like anger and rage.I didn't show them outside. Nowadays I show if I am furious, but still won't hurt anyone. I have accepted that it's okay for me to feel like this, and it doesn't make me a bad person if I am furious at someone.

But there is also this one little thing. At the worst of my depression, I was terrified that I would lose my capablity to feel joy. So I made sure that everytime I watched, read or heard something funny, I would laugh fully and naturally. My family hated it when we watched tv together and I would do some really annoying laughing noices, but I never could tell them that I was deathly afraid that if I didn't show it, if I controlled it at all, I would lose my whole capablity to feel joy. For this reason, if I read for example sad fic that made me cry, I felt relieved. I still had my emotions.

Secondly, as some of you know, I adore Vathara's AtLA fic Embers. Some of you hate it, but I have read it over and over again. I have read it atleast four time wholly. And it's not even finished, jeezus.

But her characterization of Katara frightens the fuck out of me. Why? Read it: "It's all about you, isn't it?" Zuko hissed. Ignoring reactions of shock and fear and threatened violence; all that mattered was the waterbender, and the flames that were not burning her. Yet. "Forget the Avatar. Forget your tribe. This is all you, and your pain. You lost your mother. And it ripped a hole in you so wide and deep and dark... you're hanging on by your fingernails, and what's down there is so awful, so much hate, that it can't ever be you. So it's somebody else's fault. It's somebody else's monster. And you hate it. It's not fair. It's not you. And you'll make the whole world pay for putting that monster inside you. You'll make it all bleed. Make it all burn."

This? I recognize myself in her, in her pain. If I would loose someone like she did, I don't think I could ever stop the hating them. As in people, race or religious group. Not as a that person. Thank God I haven't.

God, I would love to be the forgiving type, and I usually am. But I have never been hurt this badly. And I know I have rage in me. Rage that tightens in my chest, that makes me yearn for blood, to hurt. I see it, when the world acts unfairly to someone and people refuse to acknowledge it. When rape culture rears it's ugly head. When Israeli treat people from Palestine like crap and refuse to give them basic need to survive and live. When I have to hear politician of my own country tells me that I am disgusting and I hurt his/her delicate sensibilities by wanting to marry and have a family with a woman.

I get so furious that I can hardly see.

That's why I have such a complicate feelings with Katara. I see myself in her so much, and that the darkness in her is like looking in the mirror. I adore her because she is a strong female character, but I can't allow myself to get close to her, because she terrifies me. She makes me terrified of myself and what I could do when pushed.

This rant has been in me for a very long time, and now it's finally out.

I know I have been silent for a long time, (we.., truthfully just at not posting any entries, but...) but shitty things have been happening. Finnish parliament elections which were ohmygod terrible and nightmare-indusing. The fact that my studies which should only be two years long, will be two and half for me. And other little shit.

But now? Well, it begins with the fact that I got my first ever real job. SUmmer job, yes. Cleaning in a...camp? whatthefucktherightwordis... nothing special, nothing fancy. Minimum wage, or atleast very small (finnish style, so about 10 euros per hour) rerallly fucking boring and sweaty, but God was I excited... I was all over, so much smiling and I was just so goddamn happy that it hurts to think about.

Then I got fired. After one week. In a really horrible way. This camp is way away from my home, over 200 kms, so I lived in an apartment which was in the camp premises. There were other workers there too. We had promised that my first week I would work from tuesday to saturday, then began again in tuesday. I was going to spend that free time at home, taking more of my stuff (and computer) with me so I could stay the whole summer there working. I was walking to the bus station, which was about two kilometres away. I am really worried about not making it, because I had forgotten few things I had to go back to get from the apartment. like my cell. Car drives past me, and stops. I smile because I notice my boss is there and I think that he will offer me a ride.

He tells that he is sorry, but that I am fired. Talks a lot of shit, which I am honestly too shocked to hear. I manage to say that I really have to hurry to the bus, and he offers to give my a ride to the stop. I agree, make a joke about how little room I have. He says he is sorry, and says that he will give me great recommendations and pay me the weeks salary. He gets me to the bus stop. I manage to hold myself together exactly as long until he drives away, then I start crying. Truly crying, not just few tears, but full sobs and more water than in Niagara.

I call my mum and cry to the phone. She and my dad take turns at calling me and (making sure that I won't kill myself) trying to lift my spirits.

The next day (today) boss calls and talks more about the bullshit reasons why I was fired. They needed someone who was a professional cleaner, (they fucking knew I didn't have any work experience) my work was shoddy (and that day one customer came and asked if I was mainly responsible for cleaning the place. I said yes and he thanked me, saying that I did great job). He said that they would mail the shit I left there (my bicycle helmet, towel, sanitary stuff, almost all clean summer clothes I own, bedsheets, running shoes and a small bag).

I am really in a terrible mood. I don't remember when I have ever cried this much.

I have to make a real update right now what has been happening to me. I have posted few entries now in two-three weeks, but honestly saying, there isn't much of news in there.

I have been feeling better. I truly am. Unfortunately it's one of those 'One step forward, two steps back', situations. My depression has been easing now that I have been in therapy over a year. But before when my depression was worse, I never truly thought about my looks or eating. Not at all. I closed those things away from my mind to reserve some of my sanity. Now when the depression has eased, my attention has been taken by those two matters. My binge eating got completely out of control, I rapidly gained weight, I started hating even more of my looks and weight and obsess over those things. And to somehow make myself feel better, there would be a day I ate only once, and the next day I would be bingeing. I talked to my doctor about this and he arranged me to a certain...course meant for binge-eaters. Doctor meeting there, meeting other binge-eaters and couple of lessons to go. It's in february and I am kinda excited about it.

This has made my ability to concentrate...impossible. I forget dozens of things, I spend hours doing nothing because I can't muster enough energy to start, I feel like I am stuck and so goddamn tired all the time. I know there are several drabbles I have completely forgotten to review...Don't even start to talk about school things. And I have meant to do this entry for over a week. Hopefully the fact that I did it ow would mean that things are getting a bit easier...

Doctor also gave me a new med to use at evenings called Ketipinor, not taken regularly, small amount and only when necessary. I just took one now for the first time. I hope there aren't any side-effects...

First of all: Thank you all for yuour kind words. I am feeling a lot better now. Even if I managed to make a fool of myself again. Xb

Tomorrow is the entrance exam and it's in Tampere, which is about 200 kms north from Helsinki, where I live. I am nervous and excited, but I know there is no way I'll get in with this reading, but that's not important. I have long ago chosen to take next year off from studying, because I still have therapy here in Helsinki and arranging that when studying in Tampere would be just too difficult. This time I'll just go to check out what kind of a test it is so next year when I try to get in seriously I have some kind of an idea how to prepare to it.

There is just this one thing which makes me go always a bit weird. Can you imagine how hard is to explain fanfiction and fandom to your theraphist? We have talked about it very much because it's such a important thing to me and big part of my life. When I talk about it to her I always think if I should crack up laughing or not...

Talking about my bigbang fic is even more...weird. When I explained how that in my story a character loses his hearing, she asked if I am going to get him healed. I started talking about how people just assume that if you are disabled (deaf, blind, etc..) people just seem to assume that you cannot have a full and happy life if you don't 'heal' about it. After my outburst she smiled and that's right and talked about how people can overcame odds to heal mentally.

I have talked about Zuko a lot in there, because AtLA fandom is my ultimate favourite fandom and he is my ultimate favourite character, and why I like him so much. Because he doesn't give up. I like to throw so really shitty and awful stuff on my favourite characters, and then get them rise again, spit their tormentors to their faces and say: "Screw you, I am stronger now and you cannot hold me down!" That feeling is something I want to have, and Zuko is very ultimate definition of that. I hate people who run away from every little problem. I hate it when I do that. That's also the main reason I had (and have) so big problems with liking Aang.

But honestly? I am feeling so much better in general. I haven't wanted to kill myself in months! Before I always started imagining how I would kill myself (cutting my stomach, jumping in front of the subway and shooting my brains out) everytime I felt stressed or panicked, now those feelings aren't so...dark and, well, deep anymore. I still get those anxiety attacks, but they aren't even half that bad as in the time of my exams or last autumn. That time was scary and I truly think that only my acting project and the activity of AtLA fandom kept me alive. Those memes gave me so much joy and because there was so many of them... Of course the fact that I had made a promise to my mum to not to kill myself after the last time (It happened one year, one month and one day ago. huh.) kept me form completely giving up.

I also read those answers to my suicide note in this LJ over and over again when trying to remember to not to do it. Thank you again you all who wrote there, those answers have given me strength over and over again during this year. Thank you.

I just realized one thing: I am truly scared of hurting someone's feelings. I am now nersous as hell because I think I hurt one of my friends feelings on saturday but I haven't seen her nor had contact to her after that. She hadn't slept well for almost a week and we were in a big company in a bar and she started arguing with her fiancee about wanting to go to sleep. I don't react well when people argue, I never know how to react so I tried to lighten mood a bit about joking. I didn't joke about her tiredness, (can't explain exactly) I think, but now I have a feeling she might think I insulted her. I am scared of that.

And the second thing is in the internet when I comment on one of the prompts I had given and received it back how it wasn't exactly I wanted it and the answer was a bit...prickly. I think. I answered immediatly how it was because of my vague prompt (it rtuly was) but I am still worried she might be hurt for my words.

And on the other news, I had the last performance of my acting course today and we were very good, but my mum said she would come to watch it but she messed up with times and arrived when it was already over. I was angry and hurt, for I wanted her to see it, but now I know that we will make a last performance on January, so I feel a bit better. It's important to me that my parents can see those projects I have been participating. Especially because this has lasted couple of months.

My dad is in a small cruise right now, (if that's the right word) it's only to Tallinn and back, lasts less than 12 hours. Well, the point is that he promised to bring me chocolate from the ship. I want my chocolate now!

Yes, I am impatient. And that's news to who?

You know, my birthday was on sunday. I am 19 now. Mother made delicious Sacher cake but otherwise, nothing special. It was an okay day.

But this post isn't about it.

As people know, I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder and binge eating disorder. Depression and my eating I KNOW, I mean I realize I have those sicknesses, but I have always felt a bit silly when I say that I have an anxiety disorder. It doesn't feel like me, well, I always worry easily but I never thought about it. I just went along when doctors said I obviously have it.

Yesterday I realized I truly have it. I was feeling a bit ill in my stomach and chose not to go to school. I didn't vomit and sometime I later I realized that I honestly couldn't concentrate. My heart was beating too hard and I felt like I had something heavy in my chest. And the feeling of you get just before you are going to vomit and I felt panicked. I cancelled my theraphy session before I realised this.

So today, I chose to go to school, for I thought that it's only psychosomatic and I am alright. The school journey was awful and so was the first class. I felt wanting to curl up, go to sleep, close my eyes and ears and get away from this. I couldn't concentrate. Now I am at school computer and I don't know how I can last this whole day. I get to go to home only at 7 pm.

And I have been forgetting stuff for days. I forget to comment, review and I feel like I am crumbling.

I noticed myself thinking if it would be the best for me to go to hospital. I hate hospitals but my biggest concern is that how it would screw up my schoolwork. And that thought doesn't calm me at all.

I make myself sick right now.

And it has been almost seven months and the only thing I can think about it is that why I did it, now I can't try it now. Now I even have stronger meds. Now I can't because if I fail my mom will be crushed and I can't deal with that.

I have had a shitty month. In more than many ways. Care to hear it? No? Too bad for you.

You know already about my granny, but now her memory is getting just bloody worse and worse. She doesn't have Alzheimer but it just hurts so much how she...she just says how she can go home tomorrow even if she can't.

Now my grandpa is in the hospital too. He fell and broke his hip. It's probable that he'll heal and walk again if there aren't any complications, but I am afraid still. My other grandparents died in hospital and they were there for a long time. I just hope that grandpa won't. Grandma won't get away from there, I know.

My thyroxine levels are low and my doctor has transferred me to internal diseases ward (if that's the right phrase). She also said that I should go to MRI to check out my pituitary gland so that there isn't any tumors or anything like that. Chances that there is something are almost completely nonexistent, but I am still scared. Why do I always have to expect the worst? I bloody hate hospitals.

Oh, and KELA, (in english Social Insurance Institution, but literally translated National Pension Institution) has rejected my application for KELA paying my psychoteraphy. Some shit about how my treatment is hospital is still unfinished. my parents are now paying it.

And I had exams and I failed the first part of the finnish test. I got 5 points out of 18!!!

Fucking Murphy's law.

It's really weird. It didn't come lika a lightning storm on me, but slowly. I once said I was a bi in a party and I started to think it far more. Yes, I had had crushes on females before that, but the real revelation became later. I am gay. Atleast it seems right now, because I am REALLY inexperienced and not in any kind of hurry.

I haven't yet told my father, but I think he suspects something but my mom knows. I was firstly bit scared, but she has been very okay about it. No big fuss of any kind. And I realized just a sort while ago that two women I have known since childhood and who are my moms old friends are also gay. We aren't that close, but those two taught me when I small to say 'hullu akka', which in English means 'crazy old hag' I think. And I repeated that loudly and in very inappropriate places. Xb

But really, I've never had any kind of a problem with this. I am a bit worried how my uncle, aunt and cousins will react and I'll never tell my grandparents. Granny is 85 and Grandpa will be 86 next October.

Weird.

I have had my summer holiday for almost three weeks. But is it normal to hate it already? It seems like I am right now only waiting for the school to start. I hate the weather, the thing I have nothing to do every day, the fact that when I have, I have to go to somewhere pretty far and cannot stay in home. The time just before holiday was so...tough, that I didn't have time to get excited about holiday. And now, everything is just so bloody bleak.

Everything is so grey and I really cannot find any joy about anything. I hate depression. Doctor doubled the amount of meds I am allowed to take but it hasn't helped. And it doesn't help at all that I feel sick when I have to swallow pills. I hate going to medicine cabinet even if I only have to take pain meds for headache, because only thing I can think of then is how it felt to swallow them in school's toilet, terrified and waiting to die.

I wish school would start. I wish I couls be happy, enjoy about things I loved in past. I wish I could enjoy reading fanfiction, or watching tv.

Obviously, I have a flare for dramatics. I want to apologize if I scared some of you, but things are better now.

What was wuth that dramatic, 'I wish to die', post? Well, my dad gets these kind of meal tickets, which one of them is 7.7 euros and you can't get any change from it. Well, those are 'hidden' in our house, and I managed to find their hide. I stole from there. I took almost 100 euros worth of them inside a month and bought huge amount of fast food. On that day, my dad went to that hide first time in month and found out that someone had stolen from there. He kept a long speech where was also me, my mum, sister and brotherr. After the speech my mum comes and asks if I did it. I confessed. She said that she knew, the look on my face was guilty as hell.

She made me confess to my dad and the first thing they bsay is: "e didn't know you felt that bad". I know, I am still baffled. I waited for punishment, not...an sort of apology.

It scared me a bit. I know that my eating cycle is terrible but I never BELIEVED it in my inside. They started complaining about how my teraphy is kind of stuck now and said that they would start to bring big guns on the field after my exams.

What scares me the most is the fact I cannot remember how to be 'normal' again. I don't remember how it felt to not to take a pill in the morning and eat regularly. How it felt to not to think how I should cut my stomach and pour the fat away like a puss.

And there is this one thing. I had a bit of problem getting my receipt renewed, and I chose to wait for a week before getting the new bunch of medicine. Doctor had said that it would take a month before the medicine is away from my system and I fool thought I would be fine for that week. The last days were hell, I was so depressed that I just sat on my bed and held my head unable to do anything. It makes me wonder, if I felt that bad before meds, how am I still alive now and not a new suicide victim.