Stuff

[floranna]

You know, my birthday was on sunday. I am 19 now. Mother made delicious Sacher cake but otherwise, nothing special. It was an okay day.

But this post isn't about it.

As people know, I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder and binge eating disorder. Depression and my eating I KNOW, I mean I realize I have those sicknesses, but I have always felt a bit silly when I say that I have an anxiety disorder. It doesn't feel like me, well, I always worry easily but I never thought about it. I just went along when doctors said I obviously have it.

Yesterday I realized I truly have it. I was feeling a bit ill in my stomach and chose not to go to school. I didn't vomit and sometime I later I realized that I honestly couldn't concentrate. My heart was beating too hard and I felt like I had something heavy in my chest. And the feeling of you get just before you are going to vomit and I felt panicked. I cancelled my theraphy session before I realised this.

So today, I chose to go to school, for I thought that it's only psychosomatic and I am alright. The school journey was awful and so was the first class. I felt wanting to curl up, go to sleep, close my eyes and ears and get away from this. I couldn't concentrate. Now I am at school computer and I don't know how I can last this whole day. I get to go to home only at 7 pm.

And I have been forgetting stuff for days. I forget to comment, review and I feel like I am crumbling.

I noticed myself thinking if it would be the best for me to go to hospital. I hate hospitals but my biggest concern is that how it would screw up my schoolwork. And that thought doesn't calm me at all.

I make myself sick right now.

And it has been almost seven months and the only thing I can think about it is that why I did it, now I can't try it now. Now I even have stronger meds. Now I can't because if I fail my mom will be crushed and I can't deal with that.

Comments

[nataliadarimini.livejournal.com]

My mom made me promise her, years ago, that I would never off myself. She had no idea I was actually planning it at the time, she just heard about the suicide attempt of a friend's daughter and wanted me to promise.

I think that the anxiety is worse, for me, than the depression, because I can sleep the depression away if I sleep long enough, but I can't sleep when I'm anxious I have to be conscious. Consciousness and I, we do not get along well.

I know that this information is hardly helpful to you, but I just wanted you to know that I know what it's like and if you want to talk to me you can.

[ishte.livejournal.com]

I know this is probably no consolation to you right now, Floranna, but these three things often 'travel' together. Depression and Anxiety at the same time are common, one feeding off the other, and they often cause eating disorders as well.

Another thing I want to say is to remind you that sometimes it can take some work adjusting medications along with your therapy. So let your therapist know about this recent attack of anxiety now that you recognise it for what it is. He/she may want to adjust your medication a little to address it.

Be well.

[seraphtrevs.livejournal.com]

If I'm interpreting that last paragraph correctly, then yes - you definitely should go to the hospital, or at the very least call your doctor. Schoolwork can wait - I don't know how your school works, but I was able to get a medical excuse for one semester when I became very ill - I basically flunked out, but I got my grades taken off of my record so it didn't hurt my GPA when I graduated. Everyone was really nice and understanding - I'm sure they will be for you, too. The most important thing right now is that you get the treatment that you need.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I've been there many times myself, and it's awful. I've been diagnosed alternately with obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and bipolar II. I've been put on dozens of different medications. I know that when I was at my lowest, I didn't think it would be possible for me to get better, but with the proper treatment, I did, and I'm very happy and healthy now - I'm sure that the same can happen for you. Please hang in there and keep us updated. ♥

[seraphim-grace.livejournal.com]

i have chronic depression and eating disorders to boot, i don't eat, not anorexic, just i forget to eat, and if i get too stressed I'm sick everywhere
I have anxiety too, and agorophobia and a healthy dose of CFS just to rub it in because being so anxious most of the time wears me out
the thing no one seems to understand is that I'm not even vaguely suicidal, and i never was, i've got too much to do, and think of the mess, do you know what your body does when you're dead.... shudders
and there's all those books I haven't read yet, the ones that haven't been written yet, and it doesn't fix anything so, no, not for me
but I suffered very badly in my final year at uni, could barely get out of bed, was on heavy meds, living on ginseng, vitamin b and double espressos, and one of my lecturers pointed something out to me, whilst sat outside the cubicle whilst i was throwing up (she was making sure i was okay because I scared the hell out of her) she said it didnt matter if i failed, there wasn't some evil man with a gun or something to punish me, the only one that would ever punish me was me

you're doing that now, punishing yourself
I might take a tme out and republish the zebra speech about how people are horses and people with depression are zebras and they look the sme but they're not and horses will never understand, but zebra's they're herd animals and they always will, and zebras can't do what horses can and horses think they're lazy or whatever and it's not, they're just not horses anymore.

now go get yourself a cup of tea, skip your lecture if you need to, go home if you need to
my therapist taught me a very simple breathing exercise to counteract the anxiety to try and calm the nausea
take three very quick panty breaths, in and out for 1 sec each, then take a huge breath until your lungs hurt they're that full, hold it for a count to five, then slowly, through your mouth, breath out for a count of ten
the three breaths wake your lungs up a bit (they go wtf and start looking around for more air) and the big breath completely fills and empties your lungs (you only use something like 40% of them at the best of times)
if you need to continue the very deep breaths and if that doesn't work let me know and we can try relaxation tech number 2 (which doesn't work for nausea)

[megmatthews20.livejournal.com]

You can always catch up later in classes, but right now your most important priority is you!

I only have a vague inkling of what you're going through, but I know that anxiety and panic attacks are a small form of hell, and going through them alone is even worse. You have people you can talk to. Don't be afraid to rely on them!

And remember, if you tried to kill yourself and failed, your mom would be crushed. But imagine how much worse she'd feel if you succeeded...

You have strength dear. You've made it this far, and you're able to look at yourself and see that there's a problem. You gotta tackle that problem, and remember that it'll get better. Little by little, things get better. You're awesome, and there are people in your life who know this for a fact. And never feel bad about not commenting. Just comment when you have the energy, or you risk adding it to a list of stressors.

I dunno what else to say but happy belated birthday, and I'm really glad you're posting about this even if it's hard to do so.

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