Jan. 1st, 2013 01:58 am
floranna: (Default)
Granny died last night. 30th December 2012, around 10 pm. So.

I might be a wreck, I don't know. I can't make myself think about how she is really gone for forever now. We went to see her (me and my sis, mum and lilbro had come there day earlier) on saturday and she really couldnn't speak, nor did she recognize us I think. She did hold our hands and was restless.

I had to escape during the visit to go to bathroom and I told mum I wouldn't come there anymore, seeing mumma like that hurt too much and I had said my goodbye when she was a bit more coherent. SHe said okay. ANd day later mumma is gone forever.

It took her less than week to deteoriate and die. And I kept praying that she wouldn't suffer and what I hae heard it was very peaceful. They didn't transfer to a hospital, it would have been cruel when doctors or nurses wouldn't have been able to do a thing. Now she got to be in her room where she had lived over three years, surrounded with her own stuff and the great people who work there.

She is one of my greatest heroes. Was. She never did anything 'spectcular'. SHe lived and worked and thrived. She helped her mum and siblings when her father moved to America and left his wife and kids in Finland (it was practically a divorce back then) even if she was the second youngest. SHe worked during the Winter ad Continuation war, was a Lotta, (the kiddie version) got a medal for working so hard in wartime when men were on the front, married, had one daughter and several more 'unofficial' children that she and grandpa raised. They were together atleast 59 years, I am not sure when they got married.

She and grandpa had practically given up on the thought of having grandchildren, so when my mum told her she was pregnant to a man mumma hadn't yet seen at the age of 35, she said: "I had been thinking that I don't have any reason to stay anymore on this world and could die away, but not anymore!" SHe loved all three of us so much (Mum got us when she was 36, 38 and 40. I am the eldest.) and we have never doubted that. SHe kitted so many things and I still have some of her great woollen socks.

I love her so much. She would have been 89 at May 31st. I wish they'll let me carry her casket. They let me carry grandpa's. (From my father's side.)

I only have one grandpa left now.
floranna: (Default)
Christmas started off well. We ate Christmas dinner and opened all of our presents in 24th (we Finns celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve) mom called grandma and she was feeling down and nurses told it might be close. But we new we wre going there on Saturday so we didn't worry too much, even if we knew this would be her last Christmas. Next day, mum calls her again but this time she is in a such bad shape that mum tells she will be going to see her and me and my sister asked to come with her. There was about 400 kms there tp drive, part of it in the dark and snowing heavily. We went there, and she was in such a bad shape, couldn't speak nor was very responding. Next day we go there again and she was only slightly more better, but we all knew it was close.

I felt terrible because when mum, sis and grandpa were all crying, I wasn't. But it came later. I had work today and I felt like I was in some sort of daze, and when I was in bus on my way home the emptyness inside of myself grew just too big and I started crying. Not loud to be noticed, and now I am still doing in in small bursts.

I can't imagine life where mummu is dead. She is one of my most important people and this emptyness, hole in me is terrifying.

I will be in the net around this time. but it will be in small bursts as my concentration is terrible and I honestly cannot seem to be able to do anything that eeds brainpower and to actually do something. I am not in a good shape.

Please, I need pettings.

She is still alive, but it's so close and I am terrified that she is suffering.


floranna: (Default)

June 2017



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