(no subject)

I had a very interesting conversation with my therapist today. It was something I had known, but never truly understood.

First of all, I am getting better. I recognize my emotions, I am far more confident, I actually have some self-worth and I plan for the future for real. This is a very new thing to me and feels weird as fuck.

It's also that I actually feel more than usual. I feel rage, anger, sadness and joy far more tha before. It's not like my emotions are being dampened like for example year ago, but I can actually feel them, show them and deal with them. I don't feel empty anymore.

There is also the fact that before I actively put down the feelings I thought were bad, like anger and rage.I didn't show them outside. Nowadays I show if I am furious, but still won't hurt anyone. I have accepted that it's okay for me to feel like this, and it doesn't make me a bad person if I am furious at someone.

But there is also this one little thing. At the worst of my depression, I was terrified that I would lose my capablity to feel joy. So I made sure that everytime I watched, read or heard something funny, I would laugh fully and naturally. My family hated it when we watched tv together and I would do some really annoying laughing noices, but I never could tell them that I was deathly afraid that if I didn't show it, if I controlled it at all, I would lose my whole capablity to feel joy. For this reason, if I read for example sad fic that made me cry, I felt relieved. I still had my emotions.

Secondly, as some of you know, I adore Vathara's AtLA fic Embers. Some of you hate it, but I have read it over and over again. I have read it atleast four time wholly. And it's not even finished, jeezus.

But her characterization of Katara frightens the fuck out of me. Why? Read it: "It's all about you, isn't it?" Zuko hissed. Ignoring reactions of shock and fear and threatened violence; all that mattered was the waterbender, and the flames that were not burning her. Yet. "Forget the Avatar. Forget your tribe. This is all you, and your pain. You lost your mother. And it ripped a hole in you so wide and deep and dark... you're hanging on by your fingernails, and what's down there is so awful, so much hate, that it can't ever be you. So it's somebody else's fault. It's somebody else's monster. And you hate it. It's not fair. It's not you. And you'll make the whole world pay for putting that monster inside you. You'll make it all bleed. Make it all burn."

This? I recognize myself in her, in her pain. If I would loose someone like she did, I don't think I could ever stop the hating them. As in people, race or religious group. Not as a that person. Thank God I haven't.

God, I would love to be the forgiving type, and I usually am. But I have never been hurt this badly. And I know I have rage in me. Rage that tightens in my chest, that makes me yearn for blood, to hurt. I see it, when the world acts unfairly to someone and people refuse to acknowledge it. When rape culture rears it's ugly head. When Israeli treat people from Palestine like crap and refuse to give them basic need to survive and live. When I have to hear politician of my own country tells me that I am disgusting and I hurt his/her delicate sensibilities by wanting to marry and have a family with a woman.

I get so furious that I can hardly see.

That's why I have such a complicate feelings with Katara. I see myself in her so much, and that the darkness in her is like looking in the mirror. I adore her because she is a strong female character, but I can't allow myself to get close to her, because she terrifies me. She makes me terrified of myself and what I could do when pushed.

This rant has been in me for a very long time, and now it's finally out.