Aug. 2nd, 2012

floranna: (Default)
My mother's side grandparents are still alive. We have always been close, even if they have always lived over 400 kms away. They live in an old farm, even if the arable land has been sold and the buildings where the livestock was has been changed to a storage and there are no animals.

Every house is painted red and it's amazing. Beautiful. I, as being the morbid creature I am, am afraid that what will happen when granny and grandpa both die. We have two cottages already, how would be handle the third? It's so dear place to me that thinking of selling it hurts. But that's in the future.

My grandpa will be 89 on october, and even if he has broken his hip, he walks around with a cane and lives alone. A family friend comes once a week to clean and he has neighbours who visit, take him shopping and just keep an eye on him in case of an emergency. But he still travels to the poststamp auctions and is quite active. =DD He specializes in the stamps from the area Finland lost during the Winter and Continuation War.

Grandma had a small stroke nearly four-five years ago. i remember that I was in my first and still only hiking trip alone when I heard she had to go to hospital. I wrote a diary during that trip and I remember writing: "If something happens to grandma, I'll be last to know."

Grandpa took care of her for two years after the stroke, but when she couldn't go to toilet without help it was the sign that he couldn't take care of her anymore. She lives in a nursing home now.

It hurts seeing her like this. She is one of the dearest people in the world to me and she doesn't always recognize me. I mean, she knows three Hannas and mixes us up. She had a sister Hanna, a mother-in-law called Hanna and me, her first granddaughter. But she remembers Katariina and Tuomas and that hurts.

She can't truly walk anymore. I remember her as a person who always had to be doing something, loved to bake, may not be the most talkative but who was there and understood everything and WAS there when we were talking in a group. I don't get that feeling from her anymore. Nowadays when I look at her when we are talking around her she has this slightly confused look on her face and it hurts so much. And I got really freaked yesterday when read a fic that had a grandmother in it, she wasn't even anything at all like grandma, but I realized that I am loosing those memories at how was he like before the stroke. It scared me.

I miss her so much.

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